we don't know what we want...

⌖⌖⌖

from the age of 8 until about a couple weeks ago, i thought i knew exactly what i wanted in life… there was no doubt in my mind for so long… i never had a clear picture, but i’ve always had a vision…and i trusted it with everything in me. i fully invested myself into this deep feeling that i was exactly where i needed to be, doing exactly what i needed to do. i was on this track to getting what i wanted… i thought i had it all calculated. maybe if i just keep following these steps… maybe if i keep following this life code i’ve created… maybe if i have a whole group around me… once i live there… once i have that…

i actually thought i had it all figured out. i gave myself credit for feeling that relief of being where i needed to be. i thought it was because of the decisions i made or how i affected people… i thought i was different… more special… chosen even. consumed in a feeling… an idea… my ego… a mixture of it all. convinced my vision helped me see… but in reality it made me blind.

there is nothing wrong with having a dream, but there is also nothing wrong with having no dream. sometimes i think it’s almost better not to have a dream… cause when you have one, it’s easy to lose yourself in it. it’s easy to let it control your mind, take you away from reality. some people don’t like living in reality… and i think i was one of them… may as well have been dead. some could argue the same about not dreaming… you may as well be dead if you have no dream to fight for… is life supposed to be a fight? is life only a fight? and if it is, are we really fighting for our dream or something else? we all have different perspectives, but i think there needs to be a balance of both dreaming and living in reality… we can’t always live in reality, we are humans… we don’t even understand how powerful the human mind is and it’s potential connection to beyond us. us dreaming is us using our minds…but we can’t always be dreaming either… we must live in the moment…

similarly to how we can’t only spend our time exploring outer space, when we haven't even explored all of earth…. we can’t really dream until we can live in the moment. our dreams evolve, our passions evolve, our purposes evolve…

we accomplish what we want, then we find something else to accomplish… sometimes we don’t even accomplish what we originally want to accomplish and end up giving it up for something else…maybe we do end up accomplishing what we want, but realize it wasn't what we wanted… it’s endless. it’s all endless. maybe we know what we want right now and that is enough… but we will never know what we will want in the future. realize it’s important to listen to yourself, to love, to cultivate your passion…but it’s in your best interest to simply embrace the journey. realize life isn’t just about what we want… the things we want most come when we don't want them. maybe life has nothing to do with what we want at all...

⌖⌖⌖

photo taken in 2020

photo taken in 2019