let go or be dragged...

⌖⌖⌖

in life thus far, the act of letting go has been the most challenging concept for me to grasp. whether it’s a person, a place, a thing… or simply a moment… once something is important to me, it becomes the very reason of my existence. it lives at the fore front of my mind, i think about it most of my day, i dream about it, i pray on it. although it seems like an

obsession… i have always seen it as passion… or love. so, it felt right. how could me loving anything this much be a bad thing? i don’t think it is… until i let it.

i’ve always had pride in how passionate about something i can be. my passion is what makes me feel alive. what keeps me moving… but sometimes… and every once in a while, most of the time… it’s what kills me. what slows me down. and i start to be ashamed about how passionate i can be. about how much i give. always just been back and forth between these two polarizing headspaces… left me wondering if this is how it will always be. there will always be ups and downs of course… most of it i can handle… i have let go of tons of things important to me and didn't feel a thing… but some things are different… special…. rare. and you feel it all the more. i have let go of things that are important to me and i have struggled to let go of things that are important to me… and sometimes it feels strangely like both at the same time. the last few times… i have felt exactly that way. it’s gone one day… but it comes back in waves…like i’m still holding on by a thread. like i still have hope even when it doesn't make sense to. i think that is how i know i truly loved that something. but this understanding has cause me to not let go of things to somehow prove to myself that i care about it… mostly an unhealthy thing for me to do.

the idea “if you love something, you should be able to let it go” never really sat right with me for this reason. but after so much experience letting shit go… you almost become numb to it which also seems unhealthy to me. sometimes though…the numbness feels like the perfect in between. like i care about everything and nothing at the same time… pretty much the same thing. the numbness strangely feels like acceptance. that is kind of where i been, going through these significant changes i mentioned in the video.

…there has been a breakthrough in this numbness though. sometimes i think we all just have to realize that we are capable of starting over. you can change into whatever you want…whenever you want. you're the only one who can control that. nothing is written in ink in this life… everything fades away eventually. love as much as you can… while accepting it could be over tomorrow.

⌖⌖⌖

photo taken in 2022

photo taken in 2021