creation > consumption

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there is truly nothing more suffocating, more agonizing to me than not being able to think. somedays i feel as if i sit at my desk all day and suffer, yes suffer…when having no direction or idea to grasp… almost every time, it consumes me. i get so frustrated with myself that i become sad, unmotivated, and anxious and it takes up way more time & space than i am comfortable with. i don’t sit there and sulk in sadness… i sulk in anger… i get angry and ask myself… what is my purpose? what do i want to dedicate my life to? why don’t i know what i want? overwhelmed by unconsciously overthinking.

today i found myself laughing at the realization… it’s not that i can’t think… it’s that i think too much. i felt kinda crazy in this moment and it sounds so dumb, but it’s so real. it’s rare that a person can pick their purpose. people usually do what makes them happy… but i feel like more times than not… people are doing what they think makes them happy and then convince themselves that they are. i understand now that, the times i am happy, are the times i’m not thinking at all.

it’s normal for a person to suffer more than they are happy. i know i must know true suffering to know true happiness. in the times i am suffering, i feel like i’m the only one going through what i am going through… to try to validate myself, thinking i’m special… like this is my villain arc or something lol. i know other people have probably gone through what i am going through, but i have nobody around me i want to share those feelings with… so it’s my fault i’m alone. i think maybe if i share my feelings with someone it would make me feel better, but i’m traumatized by all the experience sharing my feelings with people who truly don’t give af… truth is people don’t wanna hear your shit and shouldn't have to.…unless they get some kick out of it. i am scared of looking like i want attention… sometimes i feel like it would make me stronger if i don’t confide in anyone but myself… because i can turn the sadness to anger… and then i can use the anger as fuel to do something that i think i am passionate about…. only to find out that i am not passionate about shit… it feels like a meaningless cycle… i have a hard time being proud of my past… everything i have ever done feels off… as if it wasn't me…. rather, something i thought i should do….

my overthinking just made me do shit i thought would make me happy… so when i snap out of what i’m doing, i move on to the next thing too fast without any hesitation, cause deep down i know… there is some other idea inside of me that is really mine… an idea so genuinely unique and groundbreaking for myself that it sends a rush through my whole body… it's easy to recognize the feeling when it hits…. but it’s so hard to get to that clarity to think of something like that… it feels rare my mind can get there…. and most of the time when that feeling comes, it’s not real… it’s just something i convince myself is worth my time.

a mindset like this is dangerous, yet so common. i think it’s dangerous because most of the time when we overthink and get like this, we are comparing… outsourcing…. looking for inspiration… we become a consumer instead of a creator... and buy random stuff we think will improve or change our lives… we end up finding the easy way out (which is really the harder way out) by becoming some skewed version of who we think we should be because it was too hard to have our own real breakthrough… we don’t want to feel uncomfortable… yet we find the dumbest shit to make us comfy. sometimes the only way to stop overthinking is just by doing something that has you not thinking at all... something so natural to you that you allow yourself to live in the moment...

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photo taken in 2020

photo taken in 2020